silverthorne: (Grenade)
Let's see.

First, sharing This. more for the 'look at the family and philanthropist stuff!' more than anything (this is why, after years of just going 'yeah, the band does good music', I've become a fan of the man himself).

Second...logged into RIFT a week or so ago to find out that they'd 1) more than halved their available servers (so I wound up logging into 'empty' test servers that I had to transfer my characters out of), and that they've allowed for only one active PvE/Rp server (and none for the PvP/RP players).

Which was both jarring and also caused me to start a new batch of characters on a strictly PvE server, because getting constantly DC'd and having to que to get into the game is not my idea of fun. Fortunately, I DID locate my guild, so the old characters still have a home, but that point might become moot if I continue to not want to log onto an overloaded server. The new server is still on the low end, and I actually kinda like it that way.

RP wise...I feel like I'm spinning my heels at this point, really. The game I'm in is mostly slice-of-life, which is fine, except I;m playing a character who 1) Needs something more than 'slice of life' to keep him from just pretty much going through the motions day in and day out (and therefor have nothing interesting to write about) and is 2) in a point from canon where, if he's going to feel attached to people, he needs something more out of them than 'oh hey, you're that guy that's great for being sane and a shoulder to cry on!'. He needs some shoulder himself. And stability. And...yeah.

Still love the game, love the players, but I'm just...feeling like I'm wasting time, if that makes sense. And I'll be honest; part of that feeling is coming from being on Plurk, trying to participate in memes and the like...and barely getting acknowledged. I'm not exactly the most social person in the world, and I have my own issues with thinking people actually don't want me around. Plurk? Does not help these feelings.

In real life: bah. No, seriously. I'm debt free now, but still (as ever,) struggling with just getting past the mind set of 'surviving' and getting into that 'living' thing. I feel like I wasted all my chances at something better than just tossing boxes and sharing a small place to live with the cats. I'm going between 'everything is okay (but not great)' and 'this is all life has for me, and it's not much' to 'god, you're fucking lame for whining about your life when you can barely keep it together enough to just do basic lifeskill things, and it's your own damned fault that it's like that'.

It just...never ends. And I'm really tired of it, and really tired of feeling like I'm whining over spilled milk. And then running in circles.

What I want (none of which I expect to get, either because I don't expect the universe to hand it to me, or because I understand that I undermine myself with thinking I can't get it done...):

Definitely to make more money than I do.
Be a fucking pro writer (hahahahah...yeah, right. Good luck with that one, kid)
Barring the wet dream above, get a job that I actually like and am not just doing because...those are the only skills I have to offer.
For god's sake, I would just. like. to. have. that. one. special. person. in. my. life. Haven't I already done enough time on the bullshit end of love?
A labotomization of all the crap in my head that hamstrings me at every turn. Words; they mean nothing. Action; like plowing through molasses in winter. I'd like my sense of self worth back, please. I haven't seen it since I was a kid.

Anyway, there's my 'holy shit, why am I still awake at this hour??' whine for the month.

Hugs would be appreciated, but not expected. Wisdom, too. Because the 'Imma gonna figure this one out on my own' button isn't working at the moment.


silverthorne: Painting of a cougar sneaking through underbrush (Default)

August 2013

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