growly growly snarl snap snap

I feel tired, hot, pissy, out of sorts, and completely zoned out. I'm getting irritated at people just because they're talking to me.

And I can't blame it on my 'monthly', since I just recently had it.

Make it stop.

:/

it's moments like this when you realize just how turned around your head got...

It's been over a year now.

I remember one of the ongoing 'complaints' was that I didn't help keep the place clean, and didn't know how to keep the place clean.

I'm looking around right now. I vaccumed tonight. Need to dust, though (it's been a week and a half).

Other than a few notebooks on the floor next to the desk, everything is up on a shelf.

There are dishes in the sink, but they've all been rinsed and really just need a quick date with soap and hot water, or put into the machine to wait until its filled for a group date for the same purpose later in the week.

Catboxes were cleared a half hour ago. Trash is about full, so tomorrow it has to go. But it's not overflowing, and between the 'deoderizer' bags and being in its own nook with a door, it's not making the place smelly.

I keep looking the place over. And yes, granted, I'll leave the floor unvaccumed for a week, or not do the catboxes twice a day. The pile of books may be taller, or there may be more than one.

But overall? This is about how my place stays. With me being the only caretaker.

It's a relief (after so many years of being accused of being the 'careless and lazy one'), a realization, and a source of pride to know that...it wasn't. And isn't me. And won't be me.

ETA: I realize I've probably gone on about this before. But it was one of the many things, and one of the more predominent things, that was used to break my spirit down. When I moved in with her, the place was spotless, she kept up a steady cleanign schedule, and so forth. And at first, I just took over some things. But...as time when on, more and more was on my plate and not hers, and then she started getting intentionally messy herself, and so on and so forth. So, even now, I still kinda marvel that what I was presented with in regards to how others were seeing me and how much truth there was in that perception, is in all honesty a total false, as evidenced by the condition of my current living area that I'm solely responsible for.

Sometimes, I still believe I was the irresponsible, messy, lazy one. But if I look around my own space...it belies that belief simply by most pointedly not being the mess it should be if all of that had been true.