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silverthorneAlso, lunch, late planes, and shit I've been kicking around for a while now.
So. Yeah. I'm by myself. This is not where I want to be for the rest of my life, but right now I'm...I don't know if I'm too messed up anymore, but I'm willing to bet I am.
But, I still think about it. What I want. Where I'd like to be. Wondering if I'll ever get there.
And...my thoughts are:
Chances of 'finding the guy I will spend the rest of my life with'...I figure those are pretty low. Reasons for this?
1) I'm not the most social person around. I'm friendly, but I'm not a bar hopper or anything. And the whole dating service thing...even with me just looking for friends, I think...it's not the way to go. I'm also not all that great with drinking, drugging, dancing, etc. I am quiet. I like to sit back somewhere and watch. And occasionally talk when I actually have something to say. Selling myself just doesn't appeal. I'm not meat. Or brainless. And I'm not going to be any more social once I'd caught someone anyway, so...
2) I'm older. In fact, I'm in that nice age range where people my age are actually having their mid-life crises and running from it--usually into the arms of something younger and 'more exciting'. The pickings are slim, and most of them are not all that great. The great ones? Attached already. And sensibly hanging onto what they have while their friends make the mistakes they don't want to make.
3) This leads to...well, I'm not exactly a good catch myself. Pretty, but overwieght, and not really suitable as arm jewlery. I'm really not. Pretty works when you're younger. At this age, pretty loses to younger and more stunning nine times out of ten. I know this. It's just how it works in this society.
4) Also: low income. Most guys my age already know what they want to do with their money, and if it isn't already invested in family or arm jewelry, chances are they're not going to want to invest it in a girl that isn't already up on top of the pile. They're going to wonder why I'm not as self sufficient as they are, and how much that'll cost them to take me on. Which...doesn't work out well. This isn't to say there aren't low income guys that would want me, but I'll cover that in a moment. There's a good reason to want someone who makes at least 10,000 more than me, and it has nothing to do with greed.
5) Not. Conventional. I work a dock. I swear a lot. I'm a gamer, a loner, a bit odd in the head and a passible but not great cook and housewife. I'm not into make up and the like because it's impracticle with how I run my life. I could change all that, of course, but it wouldn't be me, and eventually the facade would slip. Then there would be hell to pay.
6) Ghosts of the past. Most of you know them. And honestly, I don't know how I'd deal with them in the context of a relationship...or how many guys would really want to have a girl with that kind of baggage.
My good points?
1) I'm loyal and monogamous. I've never left someone for the sake of someone else or slept around. I certainly don't intend to start at this late date even if I do find myself in that very unlikely situation. To me it matters. It's one of the few things I have that I can (usually) chose and call my own. Money changes hands, things change hands, time takes beauty and sometimes mind. But the body and soul itself? That stays. I intend to give it to one person only, because that's the best gift I can think of to give.
2) I'm clean. Right down to the last bloodcell. I won't be giving anyone diseases they don't want, I won't be coming home fucked up and puking. There won't be cops at the doorstep asking embarassing questions. The downside is that at this point, I probably make the worst sexual partner ever since I'm close to 20 years out of practice. Which...is not a good selling point.
3) I will stay the course in regards to keeping my job, following the agreed upon rules, and so forth. And I'll be honest.
Okay. So. What do I want from my guy?
1) To be under 200 pounds and reasonably fit. This may seem shallow, but weight does affect most people's health. I want my guy to stick around for as long as possible. The healthier he is, the more possible that will be. And I say under 200 because really, unless you're 6.2 or better, healthy weight for most folk is somewhere under 200.
2) Monogamy. I don't care if he flirts. I don't care if he likes staring at pretty girls (hell, I'll be willing to look too and discuss fine points if he wants). Hugging his female friends, even kisses on the cheek and 'dirty mags'; that's all okay. Cheating? No. I've been cheated on, and been the girl the guy was cheating with (although I didn't know it at the time). It feels like shit either way. Don't do it. I'd rather discuss rules for an 'open' relationship than that and stick by them.
3) At least Middle-middle class. Again, I know how shallow that sounds, but...here's the thing. We have kids? I want to be able to financially care for them. I don't have children right now because I know I will short them out on a lot of things because I simply would not be able to afford things for them. I don't want that for my kids. Ever. And even if kids are not part of the equation, there's the other end, when we're both old and grey and need someone else to take care of us. The better off our finances are, the better it'll be for both us and whoever takes care of us. I could honestly care less about having a 'House on the Hamptons' or whatever. But I want to be able to care for myself and my loved ones without fear for their financial future.
4) Emotionally available.
5) Okay...you know, I don't mind if he drinks. A little. Hell, I'll even have a drink every once in a while. I haven't banned it from my life, but it simply isn't a 'must have'. If he thinks he has to drink to have a good time? No. I did the alchohlic mate thing already. And the druggie mate. And the smoker. And I'm done.
6) He has to be my friend first. If I'm nothing more than a place to stick his dick, I don't want it. If he can't be honest and respectful with me at the same time? I don't want it. If I'm property? I don't want it. The only truly good relationship I've ever had was the one with Kon, where we were friends, had been friends before, and were still friends afterward. And that one was my fault when it fell apart, because I forgot that and walked instead of talking to him. I won't if there's a next time, but the guy I do this with? Better believe in it, follow it, and never forget either.
...and that's it in a nutshell.
And it's a lot, and I've set up an impossilbe standard, most likely. But hey, I've been alone all this time anyway, even when I was 'with' someone...so I won't be missing something if I never find this theoretical guy. But I'll gain a lot more than I ever had if I do.
So. Yeah. I'm by myself. This is not where I want to be for the rest of my life, but right now I'm...I don't know if I'm too messed up anymore, but I'm willing to bet I am.
But, I still think about it. What I want. Where I'd like to be. Wondering if I'll ever get there.
And...my thoughts are:
Chances of 'finding the guy I will spend the rest of my life with'...I figure those are pretty low. Reasons for this?
1) I'm not the most social person around. I'm friendly, but I'm not a bar hopper or anything. And the whole dating service thing...even with me just looking for friends, I think...it's not the way to go. I'm also not all that great with drinking, drugging, dancing, etc. I am quiet. I like to sit back somewhere and watch. And occasionally talk when I actually have something to say. Selling myself just doesn't appeal. I'm not meat. Or brainless. And I'm not going to be any more social once I'd caught someone anyway, so...
2) I'm older. In fact, I'm in that nice age range where people my age are actually having their mid-life crises and running from it--usually into the arms of something younger and 'more exciting'. The pickings are slim, and most of them are not all that great. The great ones? Attached already. And sensibly hanging onto what they have while their friends make the mistakes they don't want to make.
3) This leads to...well, I'm not exactly a good catch myself. Pretty, but overwieght, and not really suitable as arm jewlery. I'm really not. Pretty works when you're younger. At this age, pretty loses to younger and more stunning nine times out of ten. I know this. It's just how it works in this society.
4) Also: low income. Most guys my age already know what they want to do with their money, and if it isn't already invested in family or arm jewelry, chances are they're not going to want to invest it in a girl that isn't already up on top of the pile. They're going to wonder why I'm not as self sufficient as they are, and how much that'll cost them to take me on. Which...doesn't work out well. This isn't to say there aren't low income guys that would want me, but I'll cover that in a moment. There's a good reason to want someone who makes at least 10,000 more than me, and it has nothing to do with greed.
5) Not. Conventional. I work a dock. I swear a lot. I'm a gamer, a loner, a bit odd in the head and a passible but not great cook and housewife. I'm not into make up and the like because it's impracticle with how I run my life. I could change all that, of course, but it wouldn't be me, and eventually the facade would slip. Then there would be hell to pay.
6) Ghosts of the past. Most of you know them. And honestly, I don't know how I'd deal with them in the context of a relationship...or how many guys would really want to have a girl with that kind of baggage.
My good points?
1) I'm loyal and monogamous. I've never left someone for the sake of someone else or slept around. I certainly don't intend to start at this late date even if I do find myself in that very unlikely situation. To me it matters. It's one of the few things I have that I can (usually) chose and call my own. Money changes hands, things change hands, time takes beauty and sometimes mind. But the body and soul itself? That stays. I intend to give it to one person only, because that's the best gift I can think of to give.
2) I'm clean. Right down to the last bloodcell. I won't be giving anyone diseases they don't want, I won't be coming home fucked up and puking. There won't be cops at the doorstep asking embarassing questions. The downside is that at this point, I probably make the worst sexual partner ever since I'm close to 20 years out of practice. Which...is not a good selling point.
3) I will stay the course in regards to keeping my job, following the agreed upon rules, and so forth. And I'll be honest.
Okay. So. What do I want from my guy?
1) To be under 200 pounds and reasonably fit. This may seem shallow, but weight does affect most people's health. I want my guy to stick around for as long as possible. The healthier he is, the more possible that will be. And I say under 200 because really, unless you're 6.2 or better, healthy weight for most folk is somewhere under 200.
2) Monogamy. I don't care if he flirts. I don't care if he likes staring at pretty girls (hell, I'll be willing to look too and discuss fine points if he wants). Hugging his female friends, even kisses on the cheek and 'dirty mags'; that's all okay. Cheating? No. I've been cheated on, and been the girl the guy was cheating with (although I didn't know it at the time). It feels like shit either way. Don't do it. I'd rather discuss rules for an 'open' relationship than that and stick by them.
3) At least Middle-middle class. Again, I know how shallow that sounds, but...here's the thing. We have kids? I want to be able to financially care for them. I don't have children right now because I know I will short them out on a lot of things because I simply would not be able to afford things for them. I don't want that for my kids. Ever. And even if kids are not part of the equation, there's the other end, when we're both old and grey and need someone else to take care of us. The better off our finances are, the better it'll be for both us and whoever takes care of us. I could honestly care less about having a 'House on the Hamptons' or whatever. But I want to be able to care for myself and my loved ones without fear for their financial future.
4) Emotionally available.
5) Okay...you know, I don't mind if he drinks. A little. Hell, I'll even have a drink every once in a while. I haven't banned it from my life, but it simply isn't a 'must have'. If he thinks he has to drink to have a good time? No. I did the alchohlic mate thing already. And the druggie mate. And the smoker. And I'm done.
6) He has to be my friend first. If I'm nothing more than a place to stick his dick, I don't want it. If he can't be honest and respectful with me at the same time? I don't want it. If I'm property? I don't want it. The only truly good relationship I've ever had was the one with Kon, where we were friends, had been friends before, and were still friends afterward. And that one was my fault when it fell apart, because I forgot that and walked instead of talking to him. I won't if there's a next time, but the guy I do this with? Better believe in it, follow it, and never forget either.
...and that's it in a nutshell.
And it's a lot, and I've set up an impossilbe standard, most likely. But hey, I've been alone all this time anyway, even when I was 'with' someone...so I won't be missing something if I never find this theoretical guy. But I'll gain a lot more than I ever had if I do.
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no subject
Date: 2008-02-22 07:39 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-02-22 08:57 pm (UTC);)
(though seriously, another friend anyway wouldn't hurt...but you might want to warn him I'm not exactly on the beaten path, so to speak...)
no subject
Date: 2008-02-22 09:10 pm (UTC)And I don't think your hopes are all that unreasonable at all, really. Especially since I know that you're willing and able to consider permutations against that general framework, rather than carving those details in stone. Because you know that people are individual, and imperfect, and mutable, and changing all the time. And you're basically a loving, caring, loyal person.
Not unreasonable at all.
no subject
Date: 2008-02-23 05:30 am (UTC)I dunno. I'll be honest. I'm feeling a bit like hamburger in that department at this point. The kind that gets ground up real fine and then thrown on the floor to be stomped a bit. And I'll admit I remember, once, a long time ago, when someone had said to me that some people just aren't suited to have an SO. In the years since then, I've kinda felt like I might be one of those people, you know?
You can be wonderful, loving, loyal, caring and all the rest. But sometimes it just doesn't happen. And I go between 'you never tried hard enough' and 'you tried too hard'. It's a mess. It's also why even though it's one of the things I want most, I'm pretty damned hesitant to ask. I...don't think I'm 'healthy' enough for it. I don't know if I ever will be. But I sure as hell don't want to repeat the past--and I sure as hell don't want to put someone else on a hell-bound roller coaster because I'm not in good enough shape to be a good mate, you know? I want...but I don't quite trust myself not to make a mess of it.
And considering my track record...well, yeah. Messy looks like a very likely possibility.
no subject
Date: 2008-02-23 01:48 pm (UTC)You're in Mouse-focus on yourself here, and you're being as brutally honest about it as you can be, which is something I'm not about to chastise you for, because the Precious knows it's necessary sometimes, BUT.
You can't carry that detail focus past yourself as you feel you are, to the endless permutations of possibility that is the future. You don't have Spirit's perspective on what is possible. You don't -- you CANNOT know what Spirit knows about you, your potential, the ways in which you can grow and blossom when brought into contact with the right kind of person, and the right kind of love.
Don't go telling God what you're NOT fit for, and refusing to ask for what you want, honey. Just ask for what you want; happiness in love, health and healing in love, and a good partner for your life. Stop trying to determine whether you 'deserve' it or not, and just ask for what you want. You're in no fit state to judge your just deserts right now, and I guarantee that Spirit thinks you deserve a lot more than you do. It's all a matter of you believing it to be possible, and keeping an open mind, so that you can see the open door as YOURS when you come across it.
Ask for what you want, and understand that it will change, flex and grow as you heal. God knows this, and that will be factored into the final equation. Don't ask for a ham sandwich when what you're really longing for is a nice steak, because you'll have to live with that sandwich for a long time then, and you'll grow to resent it. Ask for what you want, and then do what you can to make yourself ready for it. Let Spirit handle the rest of the fine details, okay? I know trust is hard after all you've been through, but you have to dream, and trust it's possible before it can be made to come true.
no subject
Date: 2008-02-23 03:28 pm (UTC)And thank you.
*hugs*