![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
silverthorneOi hai, guys, long time no see.
1) Ken, I joined that journal.
2) Rebel, I'm sorry to hear about your dad, I hope things have gotten better since that last post. *hugs*
3) *hugs* Clue
4) *hugs* everyone else
5) Um...cake?
6) Hola to new friends. :)
7) ...I was going to say somethingwitty scathing totally enraged about Mel Gibson. Never mind. Used to like. Hate now. End of story.
8) Jon Bon Jovi tore up his calf muscle last weekend at a NJ concert. They're not canceling anything, but I hope he takes care of it and doesn't do something stupid. Like bounce around on it until it totally dies on him. Legs are SRS Bizness, Jon. You really do need two of them in your line of work.
And now, for the boring part, where I whine. A lot. Skip this if you don't like the whining:
Still here?
Okay then.
So, I'm still feeling depressed, and this last week didn't help.
Boss told me last week I could have a few days off, but she'd just have to check with her boss, never checked, never got back to me until I asked, and then suddenly all this other stuff was apparently going on and so she wasn't sure if she could swing it...So I told her to forget it. This tends to happen whenever I ask before I put the request in, too, which means I'm getting pretty fed up with it (and it doesn't help that I've just spent the last FOUR MONTHS trying to be considerate of timing and needing people and all that too, and it's still never a 'good' time).
Right now I'm angry enough to cop the 'FINE! I'll never ask for time off ever again!1!!1!!!' attitude, but I know that's not the answer. I do know I'm tired, need a break in a big way, and would probably be job hunting right about now if I didn't already know my chances of finding a better job were just about 'nil. And to top it off, the new guy is getting worse instead of better, so the 'help'...is not much help, and may not be around for very much longer, either. NRG. WTB new life now, kthanx.
RP is going well. :)
I'm beginning to wonder if I should just give up all pretense of being creatively inclined any more, though. There's something wrong when you get that push to create...and yet somehow not get enough to push to do anything. I really am beginning to think that my art and writing are dead. Then again, it's likely all part of the depression; after all, I don't have the same 'who cares if no one but me ever sees/reads/likes this?' attitude I did when I was younger. And it seems a waste of time just to...do it. And I want back pats, too. Which makes me want to slap myself, because it shouldn't be about the back pats...
Yeah, it's been like this for just about everything lately, from the creative stuff to why I'll 'always be alone for the rest of my life *sob*' junk, which is why I haven't posted. Because really, who wants to read that?
It's also disconcerting how detached I am about it, at the same time that I'm wallowing in it. What the hell is that, anyway?
Anyway...I am trying to find something to grab onto so that I can pull myself out of my own mental mire. Although really, what I want to do right now is just crawl back into bed and stay there for a while. For a week. Or more.
Bleh.
Here's hoping my next post is less depressing and whiny, right?
1) Ken, I joined that journal.
2) Rebel, I'm sorry to hear about your dad, I hope things have gotten better since that last post. *hugs*
3) *hugs* Clue
4) *hugs* everyone else
5) Um...cake?
6) Hola to new friends. :)
7) ...I was going to say something
8) Jon Bon Jovi tore up his calf muscle last weekend at a NJ concert. They're not canceling anything, but I hope he takes care of it and doesn't do something stupid. Like bounce around on it until it totally dies on him. Legs are SRS Bizness, Jon. You really do need two of them in your line of work.
And now, for the boring part, where I whine. A lot. Skip this if you don't like the whining:
Still here?
Okay then.
So, I'm still feeling depressed, and this last week didn't help.
Boss told me last week I could have a few days off, but she'd just have to check with her boss, never checked, never got back to me until I asked, and then suddenly all this other stuff was apparently going on and so she wasn't sure if she could swing it...So I told her to forget it. This tends to happen whenever I ask before I put the request in, too, which means I'm getting pretty fed up with it (and it doesn't help that I've just spent the last FOUR MONTHS trying to be considerate of timing and needing people and all that too, and it's still never a 'good' time).
Right now I'm angry enough to cop the 'FINE! I'll never ask for time off ever again!1!!1!!!' attitude, but I know that's not the answer. I do know I'm tired, need a break in a big way, and would probably be job hunting right about now if I didn't already know my chances of finding a better job were just about 'nil. And to top it off, the new guy is getting worse instead of better, so the 'help'...is not much help, and may not be around for very much longer, either. NRG. WTB new life now, kthanx.
RP is going well. :)
I'm beginning to wonder if I should just give up all pretense of being creatively inclined any more, though. There's something wrong when you get that push to create...and yet somehow not get enough to push to do anything. I really am beginning to think that my art and writing are dead. Then again, it's likely all part of the depression; after all, I don't have the same 'who cares if no one but me ever sees/reads/likes this?' attitude I did when I was younger. And it seems a waste of time just to...do it. And I want back pats, too. Which makes me want to slap myself, because it shouldn't be about the back pats...
Yeah, it's been like this for just about everything lately, from the creative stuff to why I'll 'always be alone for the rest of my life *sob*' junk, which is why I haven't posted. Because really, who wants to read that?
It's also disconcerting how detached I am about it, at the same time that I'm wallowing in it. What the hell is that, anyway?
Anyway...I am trying to find something to grab onto so that I can pull myself out of my own mental mire. Although really, what I want to do right now is just crawl back into bed and stay there for a while. For a week. Or more.
Bleh.
Here's hoping my next post is less depressing and whiny, right?
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2010-07-18 12:33 am (UTC)8: I had massive sympathy pain when I saw the video of him busting his calf. At least he was almost at the end of the encore when it happened. I bet he's feeling old right now, though. I sure as hell would be. I'm still amazed at the physicality of the show...that man jumps up and down for 2.5 hours like a little spring-loaded I don't know what.
Other: That SUCKS about your supervisor and the time off! I think you might just have to start being a bitch about it. You know? Or just take a 'sick' day to let your soul catch up with your body, if you can.
Re: the art, I understand. Can I still call myself a painter if I haven't done a painting in like 8 years? But I just feel so *dry* right now. It's like an ongoing, never-ending artist's block. Regarding the writing, maybe you just need something fun to do. I really enjoyed the 30 days of music meme I just finished as writing prompts. It was very freeing to have a topic pre-determined and made me a little more enthusiastic about journaling again overall.
PS: *hugs* feel better soon, OK? C'mon.
no subject
Date: 2010-07-18 07:53 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-07-18 03:42 am (UTC)RL - Hang in there, it will get better. And then worse and then better and then worse and then better. Is life, yeah?
no subject
Date: 2010-07-18 03:25 pm (UTC)I think I like it better as a board game, yanno? ';)
*hugs* thanks.
no subject
Date: 2010-07-18 05:55 pm (UTC)It's called disassociation, and it's part of the trauma coping mechanism you learned over the years. It's a turtle shell over your mushy center, so you can hide (and hide from) how you're feeling. It's not an uncommon reaction to trauma -- hell it's Dominus' strategy of preference, though he's trying to get better about it.
And since I do worry about you, and I know you tend to just shoulder things and trudge onward rather than get help for them, I want to ask you to please look into therapy support for what you're going through. The longer you live with depression unrelieved, the deeper entrenched it becomes, and it isn't necessary -- it isn't necessary at all, in any way. As a friend pointed out to me, taking drugs to counter the chemical imbalance of depression is no more nor less than taking insulin to counter the chemical imbalance of diabetes. If you need the insulin, then telling your pancreas to suck it up and keep marching isn't going to actually help anything.
And seeing an actual therapist for dealing with the abuse and assaults you've suffered through is no less than you deserve, love. Now that I'm doing advocacy work, I'm meeting people who have 'coped' for decades, but who suddenly find themselves coming apart and in NEED of help when the cumulative weight is just too much.
You can call the local assault hotline anytime. Hell, I know someone who's IN the assault advocacy system out there, and I know for certain that services are available to victims who were assaulted a long time ago, but who still need help. And I also know that a lot of these services are free, or on a sliding scale. And I want you to get help with this. Depression is no kind of lifelong baseline, trust me. You deserve better, but as you know, it has to be you who decides to act on that.
no subject
Date: 2010-07-18 07:52 pm (UTC)But yeah. Might be time to actually do something about it.
...I just wish I wasn't scared to death that they'll tell me nothing's wrong, like the 'professional' my dad took me to when I was still in school. Stupid, huh? (especially since I know something's not right inside).
*hugs* thanks, sis. And...well, I won't tell you not to worry. I know you too well, too.