Interesting...

[silverthorne]

'The world does not revolve around you'.

That was the point of the post, from what I understood. Well written; and I have to agree.

Of course, it was certainly food for thought. The person in question no doubt thinks I never heard a word she said to me in our too brief, decidedly messy conversations. But I did...and I still do. And I think about them constantly. Her latest post made me think. I disagree often with how she paints people, situations, but it never meant I didn't agree with her sometimes.

I could see myself in the complaint...though I doubt the person she was talking about was me--I don't fic--I don't feel I have the skill to write for someone else's characters. Other than one board we are both on, we do not travel the same circles, and I doubt she reads my posts--they're not exactly on par with what she would consider good writing, I think.

I could certainly apply her comments to earlier in the week though.

And it makes me wonder.

Sorrowind is what I use nowadays for my vehicle when I'm hurt enough to want to talk about it. Thing is, I'm also very aware most people don't really give a shit. So what? Life hurts. Deal. That is the basic consensus when one is not dealing with friends one knows well. Even I live by that. People have very little tolerance for other people's pain, unless they happen to be friends with that person...unless they can and want to relate.

So I've etched my real world pain into a psuedo fake story. It's easier that way--people can ignore a bit of fiction far easier than someone yowling all over the place for real. Don't like the story matter? Ignore the story. But most people will read a RL post...if for no other reason than because it's human nature to wallow around in someone else's woes. If they're a friend, you can commiserate...if they aren't, you and your friends can have a laugh at the poor idiot's distress...or just walk away in disgust, claiming how you would never 'be that way'.

It's all perspective and who you know...or don't know.

What does this have to do with her post? Maybe not a lot, but this is what it made me think about:

Self-inserts. Some authors use them to work out problems they have, or issues they want to present to the world without (hopefully) getting themselves too directly involved. Well written, they can be interesting...taken too far, they make the reader cringe; certainly if they haven't an idea of where the idea came from. Overblown is still overblown, no matter your skill in writing. And whether or not you have a good point, or an issue that needs to be looked out, dragging it out for too long turns it into a parody instead of a good read. People will eventually throw up their arms and go 'For god's sake, resolve it already or shut the fuck up!'

Wangst. Honestly, I think a person's tolerance for wangst is in direct proportion to how well they know the wangster. If you know them, know where the wangst is coming from, you're willing to listen and be there for the person. If it's someone you don't know? Well, quite frankly, fuck them--even if the person in question is wangsting about the same thing as your friend. The easiest example I can think of this is in any online RP or writing community. Joe Blow shows up with the long-lost-dead-cousin-of-some-superpowerful-god. Chew the guy out and send him on his way.

But wait...your mod...has a similar character...but they're the mod, and your friend. So it's no big deal, right? And they've proven themselves anyway, so no worries...

We all do it. Those of us who have been on both ends know this for a fact. It goes back to knowing people...or not knowing them.

Which I suppose is what leads to the next point, and probably what got me started on this whole pointless post.

It's easy to condemn someone when you don't know why they do something. More so when they've pulled the OMGWTFNOBODYLOVESMEYOUBASTARDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! routine. I've condemned wangsters....and I've had it done to me.

Funny how it's always legit when it's you....

Anyhow...as I meander back to the point...

There are those people who really are drama queens. All they want is attention, stir up things, be worshipped, whatever it boils down to. They're rarely rational. They're always demanding. And they never forgive. They will pull every trick from wailing that nobody loves them and they'll leave forever to trying to pit old friends against each other so that they can move in. Their whole purpose in life is to be the center of attention and rob everyone else of their fair share of the same.

I've looked hard at the past months...I do wonder sometimes if I am like that. Unlike most, I have no wish to be like that...and I dread finding out that I am that way. But if I am, I want to know, becuase I'd rather change it than keep going that way...

Unlike how I suspect I've been painted by some people...

I have been abused in my youth...I am depressive, and I have other mental problems as well. I do have extreme moments of 'nobody loves me'. Unfortunately, like my character, I have spent most of my life being outcast--the wierd kid that lives at the edge of town (and makes good target practice for throwing rocks at)...the shy girl who was just a little too strange to date. I've had everything from a man size an engagement ring on my finger and then give it to another girl, to being raped twice. I have had moments of love sprinkled in with the terror of living...but mostly I am familiar with the dull, aching grind that tells me "You will always be alone, worthless, the worst of humanity".

My heart tells me not to trust.
My mind reminds me that not all people are awful...and that's the voice I do my best to listen to. It doesn't always work.

I am not happy of what happened between myself and the other person. I stop in and read her journal sometimes, and although I cannot claim an affinity for her physical ailments...I'm more than dead familiar with the mental. I regret things turned out badly, even when I'm angry and convinced that she misread everything intentionally. Mostly, I wonder what went wrong. And I wish, honestly, that we could have been friends, and that I had had the chance to see more than the backside and the sharp anger that is her trademark to those she deems...'less than worthy'.

The world does not revolve around me, or another person. It revolves around the sun, if anything, and I know it.

But I am human, and imperfect...perhaps more than most.
I crave friendship...yet I fear I drive people away.
I would like people to feedback what I do...but how far can you go in asking before you're marked as 'one of those whining idiots'?
I fear I've offended some that I thought I had built friendships with, because I never hear from them...and quite honestly, after a month of quiet IM hellos where I'm the one who always reaches out first...I can't help but wonder that maybe I'm just tolerated. I know that's not necessarily true...but that's the mental world I live in. I'm used to being 'tolerated', not 'wanted'.
And I wonder...am I not good enough? Am I that imperfect? Do people consider me that much of a bitch, or undesirable, or...just not worth their time.
Do I cling and whine too hard?

And I wonder if all those insecurities are turning me into the very person that other people roll their eyes over and shake their heads about. Perhaps it seems like ego to people who don't worry about such things...but to me, it's just fear...and knowing that I am the most imperfect thing in the world. Who would want me? I don't often hear a person say they would...and right now, I know of only two...

So...that is what it made me think about...from how people treat people in general, to my own experiences. And even posting this, I wonder...should I? Am I making sense? Or am I making a fool of myself...?

I regret getting into fights that cannot be resolved.
I regret when I hurt others.
I regret....not knowing, and not understanding.

And I apologize.

Comments

unfortunately, I relate very well to this

[cagewench.livejournal.com]

"I have been abused in my youth...I am depressive, and I have other mental problems as well. I do have extreme moments of 'nobody loves me'. Unfortunately, like my character, I have spent most of my life being outcast--the wierd kid that lives at the edge of town (and makes good target practice for throwing rocks at)...the shy girl who was just a little too strange to date. I've had everything from a man size an engagement ring on my finger and then give it to another girl, to being raped twice. I have had moments of love sprinkled in with the terror of living...but mostly I am familiar with the dull, aching grind that tells me "You will always be alone, worthless, the worst of humanity"."

Re: unfortunately, I relate very well to this

[silverthorne.livejournal.com]

I'm finding out a lot of people do....

*hugs*

Hey, at least we're not alone, right? ;)

Thanks for posting...it helped me ^^

Re: unfortunately, I relate very well to this

[cagewench.livejournal.com]

it's true, we aren't alone... I find the best thing is writing my shit out either on my LJ or in poetry I post on Renderosity :>

*hug*

[inglenook.livejournal.com]

Sorrow. We ignore it, it gets worse. We try and deal with it, it hurts. We talk to people about it, we put ourselves on the line.

Whatever you do, you're damned. Or so it may seem to you, standing in it right now.

But you're not.

It's pain, it's yours, and it's real and you are obviously trying to find it a place to expose it and explore it. And for that I give you the big thumbs-up, Anne. Sure, the world doesn't revolve around you, anymore than it revolves around the person who made that comment, or any more than it revolves around me.

(Heh. Although I'd like to think it does, sometimes. :D Just for a little while.)

Now, I'm curious as to whether I know the people you're referring to...but I probably don't need to know.

We've all got our bad points. If the comment box was big enough I'd list all of mine! But then we'd be here all day, and then I bet LJ would eat my comment. It does that...a lot.

Don't stop writing, if it helps. I find writing and RP helps me settle old debts, right old wrongs and scratch the surface of wounds that didn't heal properly. Dig around, get a good old look at it...and the beauty of it is that if you're not ready to look at it, you've only to log off and leave it until you are.

Er...I think that's all. /epic

[silverthorne.livejournal.com]

Thanks, Kait. Needed the imput. It's easier to think I should just shut up sometimes...nice to know that isn't the general consensus...^^;

Heh. Although I'd like to think it does, sometimes.

*snicker* I think we all do. And wouldn't it be a nice chnage for once? ;)

I spent a lot of time not acknowledging what hurt. People didn't care...or, worse yet, downplayed it. I'll never forget telling a councilor about the time my mother locked me in my highchair and started force feeding me because I told her I had to pee.

The councilor's take? 'Ah, honey, you have to remember that your mother was under a lot of stress.'

O.O

So I learned that shutting up was probably better...

Anyhow, thanks, Kait...

[inglenook.livejournal.com]

It sounds as if your counsellor SUCKS.

Really.

[ann-mcn.livejournal.com]

I am so sorry that you're going through this! Since before Thanksgiving, I've been working and gone 12 hours a day, and working a 2nd job on Saturdays. My Sundays are full too, and I just don't IM as much as I used to. I will show Available, if anyone wants to talk, but I can't get into long chats.

Not snubbing you!

[silverthorne.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

I...knew that. I won't say that I didn't think maybe I hadn't offended you...but the part of me that has some sense knew that it wasn't the case.

That's the worse part, though...even when I know better, I don't always know better. Part of the reason I try not to say anything.

For the record, you've always been very kind to me when we've talked...so even though my perspective is off, know that I do remember that little fact.

Now, if you have a sledgehammer for the rest? ;)

[snapekisser.livejournal.com]

*hugs hugs hugs* *smooch* *more hugs*

Do you know, I don't even talk to my real life friends much, because I don't see them face to face everyday? It's even harder with my online friends. Most days I look at the screen, read all my friend's comments, and wish I could just materialize at their sides and hug them, because I can't think of anything else to say, and anyway I'm so tired I haven't got enough motivation to type. :)

Here's what I think: those folks who you've made connections with online, but don't hear from much anymore--there's still a connection there, it's just a silent one. Nobody hates each other all of a sudden, it's just that life happens.

Oy, I'm not making any sense whatsoever, but just wanted to drop you a line to let you know that I care about you. *more smoochy hugs*

[silverthorne.livejournal.com]

*hugs back* thanks...^^

And I know that people aren't ignoring me, really...tis just my mind having reality problems, or something.

Of course, being objective about it when one is in the middle of being upset is very hard...:(

*hugs* again...it's good to see you...

[snapekisser.livejournal.com]

You too. We keep missing each other on YIM!