Oh yeah, hi Depression....

[silverthorne]

Where you just get suddenly hit with something, and it makes you want to stop and cry right there, no matter how silly the reaction is, or how minor, or ridiculous, in the big cycle of life, it is?

Yeah. Got hit with that. That frightening realization that hey, I have no one romantically speaking. And no sibs. So...when I'm really old...it'll just be me.

Cue feeling hollow and like a fuck up and, of course, the 'you're gonna die alone and probably in a home with no money and tons of bills and really it's your fault for being stupid about romance' freak out (valid since, you know, I have senile relatives and a grandma with Alzhiemers).

Fortunately, it mostly passed within a few minutes. Mostly. Still a little bit of gibbering along the lines of 'only friends and family are ever gonna love you' banging around in the back of my head.

I hate it when my brain does that to me.

Comments

[silverthorne.livejournal.com]

I don't think you are, and the past ten years bear your observation out. Which is part of the reason when my head pulls shit like this on me, it's a pain in the ass.

True.

It's not the 'old maid' notion that bugs me--it's the (due to family history) probable fact that I will not have a functioning uterus within the next five years thanks to cancer, as well as, like I said, the women in my family are very long lived, and the males as a whole and two grandparents so far are prone to Alzhimers and senility. So my 'fear' there is more along the lines of outliving anyone who can take care of me if/when I lose my mind and self reliance...and having no children kinda guarentees that since, yeah, reliable family members are all of my dad's generation or older. Once Dad is gone, that's it unless something in my situation drastically changes.

And not to say it won't, but it's not something I'm willing to count on until it actually happens. Which leaves me with planning for myself, especially beyond the point in time where I'll be able to take care of myself. That's daunting no matter how 'young' I may be. ;)

[rebl1969.livejournal.com]

I kind of worry about a similar thing with Sophie being an only child, because what happens when John and I are old and infirm and she has to take care of us all by herself? I have a brother to help me deal with my folks.