Oh yeah, hi Depression....

[silverthorne]

Where you just get suddenly hit with something, and it makes you want to stop and cry right there, no matter how silly the reaction is, or how minor, or ridiculous, in the big cycle of life, it is?

Yeah. Got hit with that. That frightening realization that hey, I have no one romantically speaking. And no sibs. So...when I'm really old...it'll just be me.

Cue feeling hollow and like a fuck up and, of course, the 'you're gonna die alone and probably in a home with no money and tons of bills and really it's your fault for being stupid about romance' freak out (valid since, you know, I have senile relatives and a grandma with Alzhiemers).

Fortunately, it mostly passed within a few minutes. Mostly. Still a little bit of gibbering along the lines of 'only friends and family are ever gonna love you' banging around in the back of my head.

I hate it when my brain does that to me.

Comments

[nnylrac.livejournal.com]

*hugs* you are young yet. One never knows what the future may bring.

[silverthorne.livejournal.com]

Which is what I continue to remind myself. :)

...it doesn't help with things like 'You're almost 40 and have no children yet' or 'you won't have 20, 30, 40, 50 years of memories with someone who's known you since you were young like most of your married friends do', though.

But yes, I know that I can still have children until I quit menstrating (although at much higher risks to both the child and me), and the time spent with someone is not as important as the quality spent, but still...it'll eat at you, regardless.

No worries; I'll be all right in a day or two. *hugs back*

[silverthorne.livejournal.com]

Annnd...the other 'worry' on the kids front is that every single female in my family, both sides, has had a hysterectomy by age 45. That, uh...doesn't bode well for me. Especially since I was born with ovarian cysts that had to be removed at 2 weeks of age. O.o

[mephron]

I have a brother who is currently busy with work and children that he never calls me unless he wants something.

I have no one romantically speaking, and the chances of it happening becoming smaller every day.

I've accepted the fact that I will never sire children, to the point that I've considered a vasectomy just to make it sure.

And I'm pretty sure I'm not going to die in a home. I'm going to die in bed, and no one will notice until the cleaning lady comes a week later and I'm already rotting away.

[silverthorne.livejournal.com]

That's messy and unhappy.

Yeah, pretty much. Although, from what I understand, it's as much about the effort you put out as it is about 'meeting that right person' (IE: Waiting for the love of you life to come to you). Live like a hermit, that's how you'll be. That's part of my problem right now--the other part is that after the string of bad choices I've made, I'm not sure I can make a good one--even though I know what that is now. Or think I do.

Children are possible for as long as you're able to produce sperm. Men can do that into their 70's at least, and have. Som if you find a good person, you still have that chance. Whether you want them or not is another matter. I did, I do, my time is way limited at this point, so I'm pretty confident that even if I find that 'someone', my insides will have been scooped out long before children are discussed. Of course, there's adoption, too, so...

...You know, I suspect that unless you drive the lot of us off, someone is going to notice your absence a lot sooner than a week gone, or even over four days. People like you around here, in case you haven't noticed. ;) My problem is that chances are, I'll outlive most of my family, and possibly my friends. The women make up for the rotten guts by living an insanely long time, you see (as in 95 years plus).

Either way, in both our cases, we need to start looking at the/a/any good side, I think.

*hugs*

[rebl1969.livejournal.com]

I'm not belittling your feelings or anything, but you know, a significant other and/or child does not a secure or happy future predict. Look at all the miserable people out there with crazy parents, horrible spouses, messy divorces, and good-for-nothing children. See?

And, if you don't have a biological child, you can always foster or adopt. The world needs more foster parents anyway.

And, "old maid" = OUTDATED NOTION. Get that out of your head right now. Wimmins are hot and desirable until the day they die.

[silverthorne.livejournal.com]

I don't think you are, and the past ten years bear your observation out. Which is part of the reason when my head pulls shit like this on me, it's a pain in the ass.

True.

It's not the 'old maid' notion that bugs me--it's the (due to family history) probable fact that I will not have a functioning uterus within the next five years thanks to cancer, as well as, like I said, the women in my family are very long lived, and the males as a whole and two grandparents so far are prone to Alzhimers and senility. So my 'fear' there is more along the lines of outliving anyone who can take care of me if/when I lose my mind and self reliance...and having no children kinda guarentees that since, yeah, reliable family members are all of my dad's generation or older. Once Dad is gone, that's it unless something in my situation drastically changes.

And not to say it won't, but it's not something I'm willing to count on until it actually happens. Which leaves me with planning for myself, especially beyond the point in time where I'll be able to take care of myself. That's daunting no matter how 'young' I may be. ;)

[rebl1969.livejournal.com]

I kind of worry about a similar thing with Sophie being an only child, because what happens when John and I are old and infirm and she has to take care of us all by herself? I have a brother to help me deal with my folks.